The Rudder
by Brandywine421
Summary: Language. Communication issues abound in the Cohen household...
1. Our Great War

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the OC or related to the bands or movies quoted below.

****

A/N: Okay. Here goes. This is a story written in response to a scenario in which our favorite two boys get into a violent confrontation. Blasphemy, you say? Yeah, well, here's my take on it. Sorry if Seth seems out of character but I think that this is a reasonable scenario…well, you'll just have to read it and let me know what you think. Inspired by the Ryan-thread on TWOP (this is for Maud) and a weekend of Fight Club. (Tyler Durden may not be the greatest role model for kids today, but I have to admit that I glean wisdom from his words. So say it with me: His name is Robert Paulson.) So read and enjoy and please review if you have anything to say! 

__

A/N #2: Ryan and Marissa are together as are Seth and Summer. Not a big romance story, but the girls do make an appearance. 

The Rudder

"…An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars. Advertising has its taste in cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or plan. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war. Our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

--Tyler Durden _Fight Club_

__

"Your tongue is a rudder.

It steers the whole ship,

Sends your words past your lips

Or keeps them safe behind your teeth

But the wrong words will strand you

Come off course while you sleep

Sweep your boat out to sea

Or dashed to bits on the reef…"

--Brand New

Seth doesn't think before he speaks. He's so used to making sarcastic remarks that he doesn't stop himself from commenting aloud in public. This is the third time in a month that Ryan's had to shove him out of the path of an offended punch. As Ryan takes the fists meant for him, Summer and Marissa scold him as they pull him away to safety.

"Dammit, Seth…" Marissa hisses. "Why can't you keep your mouth shut sometimes?" 

"I'm sorry…" Seth starts.

The fight is broken up and Ryan staggers over to them, the right side of his face bloody.

"Ryan?" Marissa goes to him, concerned.

"We're going home," Ryan says, the damage becoming clear in the streetlight. His face is gashed near his hairline and is bleeding freely. His chin is also bleeding and his shirt is torn and stained. 

"Are you okay?" Summer asks as Seth pushes the keychain remote and unlocks the car.

"I want to go home," Ryan says, limping.

"I'm sorry, Ryan…" Seth begins.

"Save it. Let's go." Ryan is quiet. His blue eyes are dark and he shrinks away from Marissa's touch. Seth starts the car.

"Dude…" Seth tries.

"Seth, just shut up," Summer says, glaring at him. 

They ride home in silence. Seth parks the car in front of the Cohen house. Ryan is leaning his bleeding head against the window with his eyes closed.

"I have a meeting with my probation officer in the morning. I'll call you tomorrow," Ryan says suddenly, leaning over and kissing her cheek. 

"I can come in with you…" Marissa offers.

"It's not going to be a fun night. Thanks, though. I'll call you." Ryan glances at Seth. "I'm going to the pool house. Can you give me, like twenty minutes to get cleaned up and then send Sandy out?"

"Ryan, what…"

"I need to show him my face before the meeting tomorrow. See what he thinks I should do…" Ryan replies, looking away.

"I'm sorry, Ryan…" Seth says.

"Don't apologize to me. I should just start letting you fight your own battles…" He gets out and staggers several steps. He walks around the side of the house and disappears.

"I'm going with Marissa, Cohen." Summer doesn't say anything else but gives him a disappointed glare as she follows Marissa to her SUV.

Seth goes into the house and interrupts his parents in a romantic embrace.

"Seth! What…that was a short date…" Kirsten says, blushing. 

"Yeah. My fault again," Seth replies. He walks past them going into the kitchen. 

"What happened this time?" Sandy asks. 

"Ah, this funny looking guy walked past us in line at the movies and I said something…" Seth sighs. 

"Oh, Seth…" Kirsten replies. 

"Anyway, this guy took a swing at me and Ryan…well, he got into the fight instead of me…"

"Is he okay?" Sandy asks, concerned.

"He's in the pool house getting cleaned up. He's pretty mad at me…" Seth replies.

"I'll go check on him…"

"He said he needed a few minutes," Seth says. Kirsten glances at him and disappears onto the patio.

"He is not your bodyguard, Seth," Sandy states, disappointed. "He's got a meeting tomorrow and if he's bruised it's not going to look good…"

"I didn't know the guy was going to snap…"

"You shouldn't have been making fun of him, Seth. This is childish. Its ridiculous for someone your age to be so insensitive,"  
Sandy sighs. 

Kirsten goes into the pool house without knocking. Ryan is standing beside the shelves that hold his clothes with no shirt on. His right arm is cradled against his side that is already blue with a bruise.

"Ryan. Let me take a look at you…" Kirsten ignores his surprise and goes to his side. She gently pulls his arm away from his side and clucks her tongue at the damage. She looks closely at his damaged face. There are small cuts in the center of developing bruises. 

"How'd those happen?" She asks, noting the still bleeding gash on his hairline.

"Big guy. Had on a lot of rings…" Ryan replies, hissing as she gently probes his neck.

"You might need stitches…"  
"Nah, I'll be okay. I'll be pretty sore tomorrow. I just want to ice down my face," Ryan says, pulling a shirt on. She catches a glimpse of his hands. She takes one and examines his swollen knuckles. 

"What…"

He pulls his hand away, embarrassed. "I can give as good as I can get," He says quietly. 

"Fighting is not the way to solve things," Kirsten says.

"You think I like to fight?" Ryan asks quietly. "That guy was pissed off. I couldn't just let him wail on Seth like that, I mean, Seth didn't mean anything by what he said, the guy just took it the wrong way…"

"Seth is not your responsibility. You cannot keep fighting. What happens when somebody has a knife? Or a gun?" Kirsten asks.

Ryan glances at her, his blue eyes dark. "I know what happens, Kirsten. People get hurt. People go to jail. I know what happens. The thing is, Seth doesn't know what happens."

Kirsten pauses a moment. 

"He doesn't think that people will snap at the drop of a wrong phrase. He doesn't understand the anger pulsing inside of some people," Ryan says slowly. "He didn't even see the guy pull back his fist, he was just oblivious…"

"Ryan…"

"Seth's like…" Ryan looks away from Kirsten. "I bet the kid doesn't have any scars…"

"Come inside, Ryan. We'll make you some icepacks and let Sandy know what's going on," She says quietly. She glances at him and sees that something is wrong. 

Ryan reaches out and steadies himself suddenly as his strength gives out. He is stable before Kirsten can even react. "Can I have a minute?"

"You need a hospital…" She says.

"Believe me. I'm okay. He doesn't stagger as he leads the way out of the pool house.

Sandy is standing up, clearly upset. His face falls when he sees Ryan's condition.

"First off, are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Secondly, what the hell are you thinking?" Sandy asks quietly.

"Dad, it was my fault…" Seth starts.

"No, I'm not talking to you now. I'm talking to Ryan." Sandy glances at Seth and then back to Ryan. "Look at me, Ryan."

Ryan meets his gaze with clouded eyes. 

"You cannot get into trouble. This is unacceptable. What if the cops had shown up?" Sandy asks, seriously. Ryan lowers his gaze. "Ryan, look at me when I'm talking to you."

Something has changed in Ryan's eyes when Sandy sees them again. Not fear, but intense shame at being chastised. The kid really hadn't done anything wrong but as a parent, Sandy has to make sure it doesn't happen again. Sandy hesitates, seeing the emotion and pain in Ryan's eyes.

"Sandy, maybe you should…" Kirsten starts.

"It's not his fault," Seth says at the same time as his mother speaks.

Ryan doesn't speak and it looks as if Sandy and Ryan are in a staring contest. Sandy breaks the tension. "I'll call your probation officer and postpone the meeting."

"No," Ryan says quietly. "I'll suffer the consequences. It's my fault. I made the bed so I need to lie in it. We'll have the meeting."

Sandy is flushed. He wasn't expecting this reaction.

"But Ryan…" Seth starts.

"Ryan, we don't think you should jeopardize your probation over something like this," Kirsten says, glancing at Sandy.

"It's my fault. I won't walk away from my punishment," Ryan states clearly, lowering his gaze. 

Sandy is chilled.

"Can I go lie down?" Ryan asks Kirsten.

"Sure. We'll check on you in the morning…" Kirsten says.

"I'll be ready by nine, Mr. Cohen," Ryan says, leaving before anyone can reply.

"That was…Dad, you can't…" Seth is stunned. "It was my fault…"

"Seth, go to your room. You're grounded until further notice. Go." Kirsten doesn't let Sandy respond, seeing his confusion.

Seth leaves, upset.

"Sandy? What are you going to do?" Kirsten asks.

"I…I don't know," Sandy replies. 

"What's going to happen if his probation officer sees him like that?" Kirsten asks quietly.

"I don't know, Kirsten."

***** 


	2. Scars

__

"Come on god, do I seem bulletproof?"

--RHCP

The next morning, Sandy gets an emergency call from the office and leaves before Ryan's meeting intending to be back in time to talk to the probation officer. He doesn't make it back in time and goes to the pool house to find the verdict from Ryan.

Ryan comes out of the bathroom and finds Sandy standing beside the made bed.

"Hey," Ryan says.

"Are you okay?" Sandy asks quietly.

"I'm fine," Ryan replies.

"Kirsten said you were pretty beat up."

"Nah, I'm fine," Ryan shrugs.

"How's your side?" 

"Fine."

"Can I see it?" Sandy continues.

Ryan glances at him. He pulls his shirt up. His side is almost black with bruising.

"Ouch. Ryan, that must…"

"Mr. Cohen…" Ryan interrupts.

"What happened to 'Sandy'?" Sandy replies.

Ryan sighs, turning around. Sandy can see the tension in his muscles. Ryan raises his hands in defeat. "Whatever."

"Ryan…"

"Look, I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say," Ryan says quietly.

"What did I say that made you look at me with that look in your eye? What made you shut down on me?" Sandy asks.

"Nothing. I'm sorry. I'm doing what I think will make this right."

"Ryan, you…you were just doing what you thought was right the other night, you were protecting Seth but I can't let you think that fighting is the right way…"

"Mr. Cohen, I wasn't fighting. I was defending myself and your son. I got my ass kicked. You say don't fight but am I supposed to just let them beat me down? Like I've been doing all these years?"

Sandy is unsure of how to respond.

"Everything's cool with my P.O. If I get into another fight and he hears about it, I'll have to go to anger management classes. He's impressed with my grades and both Dr. Kim and my boss at the Crab Shack gave him good reports." Ryan glances up. "Is that it?"

"Why are you so angry with me?" Sandy asks.

"I'm not angry with you."

"If it's not anger, then what is it? Disappointment that you got in trouble?"

"No. Nothing's wrong." Ryan's posture makes it clear that the conversation is over. Sandy nods and leaves. Ryan sits down. A few minutes later, Seth walks in.

"Hey."

Ryan nods hello.

"You mad?"

"No."

"You sure?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. I'm not mad," Ryan replies.

"Okay. You in trouble?"

"No."

"Will you talk to me?" Seth asks finally.

Ryan looks at him. "I'm kind of tired right now. Maybe when I stop pissing blood."

"Ryan, what…" Seth starts.

"Bye, Seth." Ryan lies down. Seth leaves. 

***** 

__

"Look at what you've found-I've fallen down…"

--Something Corporate

Kirsten goes to the pool house at lunch. Ryan is curled up on his bed, holding his side. 

"Ryan? Let me see," Kirsten urges gently, sitting down on the bed beside him. 

Ryan doesn't protest. The pain had gotten steadily worse until he couldn't get up. Kirsten pulls his shirt up.

"Will you come with me to the hospital? Please?" 

He nods slowly. "Will you…don't tell Seth…he'll feel responsible…"

"Can you get up? It'll just be you and me, okay?" Kirsten helps Ryan to his feet. Ryan accepts her assistance walking to the car. 

"The pain got worse, Ryan, when?" Kirsten asks once she is on the highway.

"It just…it's sharper now…like…like I've been beat up before…a lot…but this…god…it really hurts…" Ryan says. Kirsten realizes that the pain is the reason that Ryan's having trouble speaking. 

"Okay, Ryan, we'll get someone to take a look at you, okay?" Kirsten promises.

"At least I got through the meeting," Ryan mutters. Kirsten glances at him, worriedly and pulls her car into the hospital parking lot. 

She fills out a lot of paperwork while the doctors examine Ryan. Her father is a major contributor to the hospital so once she explained who she was, Ryan was attended to immediately. Once she is finished, she forces a nurse to take her to Ryan. 

Ryan is sitting silently on a table while the doctors are examining a series of x-rays on the other side of the room.

"How're you doing?" Kirsten asks. Ryan visibly relaxes. 

"I'm okay, I guess. They gave me something and they've been staring at those films ever since," Ryan shrugs.

"At least you're feeling better." She puts a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry about all this."

"Me, too. I'm…I'm really trying, Kirsten," Ryan says quietly.

"I know. I know you are," She smiles.

The doctors write Ryan a prescription for painkillers and a clean bill of health. They couldn't find any sign of internal bleeding and told him to call them if the pain got worse. 

Kirsten opens the door for him at the car and he sits down. Once they are on the highway, Ryan turns to her. "Kirsten. Can you not tell Seth about this?"

"He should know…" Kirsten starts.

"He doesn't have to know. It'll make him feel bad. Can we keep it between us?" Ryan asks.

Kirsten hesitates but nods. 

***** 

"How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? I don't want to die without any scars…"

--Tyler Durden _Fight Club_

A week later, Sandy comes home and finds Seth sitting in front of a blue television screen.

"How's everything, son?" Seth asks, startled to see his son motionless and quiet.

"Fine. No, it sucks," Seth recants immediately.

"Care to elaborate?"

"Of course," Seth replies. "I'm grounded."

"Yeah."

"And Ryan's out with Marissa," Seth adds. "And I don't understand why I'm in more trouble than he is and he's the one that got into a fight."

"You got him into that fight," Sandy replies. 

"Whatever. Why do I get punished and he doesn't?" Seth asks.

"Because you know better…"

"Why didn't you teach me how to fight?" Seth asks, changing the subject. "Huh? I'm like, a total wimp…"

"Seth, there's nothing wrong with you," Sandy replies, confused.

"Ryan thinks he has to protect me, like I'm fragile or something," He mutters.

"Ryan cares about you. He tries to protect everyone…" Sandy starts.

"But I'm his brother. I should have his back. I should be able to throw punches right beside him…"

"Seth. Fighting is not the answer to anything…"

"Whatever. I'm done talking. This isn't fair and you know it. He should get in trouble just like I did. It's not fair," Seth says, standing up. He goes to his room.

***** 

Seth watches Ryan for the next few days. His cool collected demeanor. His parents trust Ryan because he exudes confidence. Seth knew better. He knew that Ryan was just like him, just harder on the outside. Ryan could hide the emotion that Seth put into everything. Ryan was better at hiding. 

So when Seth sees Ryan with Summer on the patio, he freezes. He watches as Summer laughs at something Ryan mutters. He knows Summer is there to meet him but seeing her smile chills him. Ryan's flirting with Summer. Seth realizes that Ryan probably doesn't even know he's doing it, but he's wooing Summer. First his family and now his girlfriend. 

Seth shakes off his jealousy for the moment and pulls his shirt over his head. He goes downstairs to meet his girlfriend. Maybe he could forget about Ryan for today. He loves having a best friend, but he wishes that Ryan were just a little less perfect. 


	3. Fire

***** 

"I can tell it's your turn,

I smell the sulfur so clear

And fire's a beautiful sound…"

--Something Corporate

Ryan, Seth, Marissa and Summer are at Luke's. Luke's parents are out of town and due to his new friendship with Ryan, they are actually invited. Marissa and Ryan spend most of the night in the corner making out and drinking from a bottle of whiskey. Summer and Seth are arguing as usual and around midnight, Summer comes to get Marissa for girl time. 

Ryan hears raised voices from outside and staggers slightly as he follows the sound. Seth is in the center of a group of circling jocks talking loudly. 

"What's going on?" Ryan asks one of them.

"That little fag's about to the shit kicked out of him," Someone says. Ryan makes his way to the middle and pulls Seth from the circle and doesn't stop walking until they are down the beach to safety.

"What are you doing?" Ryan demands, releasing Seth.

"I'm talking shit…" Seth slurs, his eyelids drooping. He falls to the sand on his ass.

"You're about to get your ass kicked," Ryan replies. 

"So? What's it to you?"

"Dammit, Seth…" Ryan sighs, frustrated.

"I don't need your help," Seth slurs.

"Then stop getting into trouble," Ryan replies.

Seth staggers to his feet. "Oh shut up…you act like you're so high and mighty…like nothing's ever your fault…everything's your fault…"

Ryan is still as Seth waves his hands.

"All you've done since you got here was fuck things up!" He said loudly.

"Stop it," Ryan says quietly.

"You get into fights like, every day…you never get grounded…why are you so much better than me?" Seth demands.

"I never said I was better than you, Seth," Ryan replies slowly.

"I don't need you to fight my battles for me!" Seth snapped, his brown eyes dark with anger and alcohol. "I don't need you fucking up my life anymore!" Seth shoves Ryan. "You're not my brother and you're not my bodyguard!"

Ryan doesn't react but his eyes are lowered. 

"Look at me, Ryan. Look at me, you fucking piece of trash!" Seth orders, shoving him again.

Ryan takes several steps back. 

"Why are you walking away? Think I'm going to take a swing at you?"

"I don't want to do this with you," Ryan whispers. 

Seth doesn't back down. "Oh, you want to hit me? Is that it? Did I piss you off? Did I finally get a reaction out of you?" He takes a step toward Ryan. 

"Stop," Ryan whispers.

"Do it. Hit me. Just take a swing…I bet you've wanted to hit me since you first started staying with me…" Seth taunts. 

"What's wrong with you?" Ryan asks quietly, steadily backing away from Seth. 

"Do it, Ryan. Come on, _brother_, just take a swing…don't think I can take it? Don't think I'm man enough to do battle with you?" Seth asks. Ryan doesn't respond.

"You don't have the balls…you don't want to fuck up your sweet little situation with my parents…you don't have the balls to hit me…" Seth says, walking Ryan down. "You can't even look at me…"

Ryan snaps and punches Seth suddenly, knocking him to the sand. "Shut up."

Seth is stunned. He holds his bleeding nose and stares at Ryan. Ryan's whole body is shaking with emotion. His fists are clenched. 

"We're done." Ryan holds his hands up and walks away. 

"Ryan…" Seth calls, but Ryan doesn't stop walking. 

Ryan finds Marissa by the sink with Summer.

"I'm leaving. I'm sorry. I'll call you." Ryan disappears without kissing Marissa goodbye. 

"What was that all about?" Summer asks. Marissa shrugs. 

"Where's Seth?" Marissa asks.

"He's drunk somewhere. He's acting stupid," Summer says. "I was talking to Ryan today while I was waiting for him to get ready and you'd think we were fucking right in front of him or something."

"Were you?" Marissa asks, playfully.

"Fucking Chino? In his dreams. We were just talking. I mean, god forbid we actually get along, you know?" Summer replies.

Seth staggers inside, holding his nose. "Have you guys seen Ryan?"

'He left. What happened to you?" Marissa asks, slurring her words now. 

"He fucking punched me…" Seth says, still shocked. "I'm drunk…I said some things and he…he fucking punched me…"

"Baby…god…what the fuck did you say?" Summer asks, gently holding a paper towel against his bleeding nose.

"I…god, I'm so drunk…I'm going to be sick…" Seth rushes away from them into the bathroom.

***** 

Seth woke up the next day on Luke's couch. His cell phone is blinking with missed messages and he has a headache. As he staggers to the bathroom, he remembers why his face hurts. Ryan hit him. He washes his face, vomits and then checks his messages. His parents. Angry in the first message. Worried in the next three. He dials his house. 

"Hello?" Kirsten answers. 

"Hey, mom."

"Where the hell are you? It's ten am, Seth, you and Ryan should have been home by two…" She starts.

"Ryan's not there?" Seth interrupts.

"No, isn't he with you?" Kirsten asks immediately. 

"I just woke up…I thought he would have went home…I'll be home in a few minutes…" Seth mutters. Ryan hit him. The night's events are fuzzy but he can clearly see Ryan's fist connecting with his face. Now he has to decide if he wants to tell his parents the truth or if he wants to lie until he talks to Ryan. 

"We're done." Ryan's words echo in his mind. He has to go home.

***** 

Sandy is at the office when his phone rings. He answers it absently. "Sandy Cohen."

"Sandy. It's Ryan. I need to talk to you."

"I'm at the office…"

"Since you're not with the public defender's office anymore, are you still my lawyer?"

Sandy looks away from his paperwork, listening now. "Yes, Ryan. I thought I was more than your lawyer…"

"You are. But things change." Ryan pauses. "I need to talk to you. Can I come down?"

"Do you know where the building is?"

"Yeah. I'll be there in an hour."

"I'll meet you out front," Sandy agrees. 

***** 


	4. Reds and Grays

__

"I'm willing to break myself 

to shake this hell from everything I touch

I'm willing to bleed for days

More reds and grays 

So you don't hurt so much…"

--Something Corporate

Sandy walks outside an hour later and spots Ryan smoking a cigarette. "I thought you quit."

"I did." Ryan doesn't look up.

"Things change, you said," Sandy says, sensing Ryan's unusual mood. 

"Yeah. They do." Ryan meets Sandy's gaze. "I hit your son."

"What?" Sandy asks slowly.

"I hit Seth last night,' Ryan states.

Sandy doesn't reply immediately, processing the statement. "You want to tell me what happened?"

"It doesn't matter. I hit him. That's the facts. That and the fact that I am not a part of your family. I never will be. It's not working." Ryan's voice is barely a whisper.

"Ryan…" Sandy starts.

"Things change, right? We have no control. I can't control myself and I'm not safe for Seth…" Ryan interrupts.

"Ryan, you and Seth had a fight. People argue…"

"I hit him. I made him bleed and…" Ryan turns away, tossing his cigarette into the street. "It was more than an argument. We were drunk and…god, Sandy…he's like the best friend I've ever had and to hear him…the things he said to me…I can't be here anymore."

"Ryan. You're letting things get out of hand, you don't need to…" Sandy speaks softly but his mind is running out of control.

"Can you find my mom? At least give me her number?" Ryan asks.

"Come upstairs so we can talk about this…" Sandy says. 

"I don't want to talk about this. I won't stay with you, Sandy. Not after this. I could've hurt him…I won't do this to you guys. I won't do this. I can't. You have to…I have to leave." Ryan's voice is serious. He meets Sandy's gaze steadily. "If you won't help me then I'll skip town. At least with Dawn, or a group home…I might get to stick closer to Marissa…and Seth if he ever wants to talk to me again."

Sandy is silent. 

"Sandy?" Ryan asks after a long pause. 

"I won't let you walk away from us, Ryan. I thought you trusted me. I thought you trusted Kirsten…" Sandy says finally.

"I do. That's why I'm here. I'm telling you that this isn't going to work. I'm not running away. I'm not lying to you. I'm coming to you because I'm in over my head," Ryan replies. 

Sandy sees that Ryan isn't going to change his mind. "Come upstairs, Ryan. I'll make some calls. It's Saturday so you understand that nothing's going to happen until Monday…" 

"I won't go back with you. I won't go back to that house," Ryan says quietly. 

"Then what are we going to do?" Sandy asks. Ryan doesn't reply. His eyes are dark with uncertainty. 

"I'll come see you on Monday…" Ryan says quietly.

"No. You're coming upstairs with me now. If you insist on not coming home, then I'll put you up in a hotel. Okay?" 

Ryan nods slowly. He follows Sandy into the building.

***** 

Seth walks into his house and hangs his jacket in the closet. He finds his mother in the kitchen.

"Oh my god, Seth…what happened?" Kirsten is at his side immediately, examining his bruised face.

"Long story," Seth replies.

"Are you okay?" Kirsten questions.

"Where's Ryan?" Seth asks in return.

"He's not here, who did this to you?" Kirsten asks.

"He did," Seth whispers.

"He hit you? Seth, what happened?" Kirsten gasps. 

"It wasn't his fault…"

"He hit you, Seth, how is that not his fault?"

"We were both drunk and I said some things…" Seth replies thoughtfully. 

"You didn't deserve to be hit for it, Seth. What happened?"

"I was talking shit to him. I shoved him. I remember that he kept…he kept taking steps back from me and I wouldn't stop talking. I told him to hit me, Mom. I dared him to hit me. So he did. Knocked me silly. Then he said that…he said that we were done."

"Done? What were you fighting about?" Kirsten asks as she hands him an icepack and presses it against his bruised face. 

"I don't know, I was…I had a fight with Summer and I was angry. I was about to get my ass kicked when he pulled me down the beach. I just snapped. I don't know…" Seth mutters.

"And you haven't seen him since…" Kirsten replies.

"I'd apologize, Mom, but I can't find him. He hasn't even called Marissa," Seth says.

"I think you both need to apologize. I will not tolerate fighting…" Kirsten begins but she's interrupted by the phone. She answers it immediately.

"Kirsten Cohen."

"Kirsten. Is Seth home?" Sandy's voice is low.

"Yeah, with a black eye…"

"I heard. Ryan's with me at the office. He won't be coming home with me," Sandy says. Kirsten hears the emotion underneath her husband's words. She knows that Sandy is upset. 

"Why not? We need to talk about this…"

"He won't stay with us anymore. He wants to leave," Sandy replies.

"What? Sandy, what are you talking about?"

"I can't talk any sense into him, Kirsten," He whispers before returning to a normal voice. "I'm going to get him a hotel room for the weekend. He won't come home with me. I'm trying to find Dawn for him."

"Is he there with you? Let me talk to him," Kirsten orders, pale. Seth notices the change in her demeanor and is on alert. 

"He's here but he doesn't want to talk to anyone. I wondered if you could get some of his clothes together and meet me at the office," Sandy says.

"No. I won't support this, Sandy. I'm not walking away from him," Kirsten replies.

"Kirsten. He's…I'll call you back." Sandy hangs up abruptly.

"What is it? Where's Ryan? What's going on?" Seth asks immediately.

"Seth. Go to your room. Keep ice on your eye and go to your room," Kirsten says quietly.

"No. Not until you tell me what is going on," Seth replies seriously. 

"Go upstairs, Seth. I don't know anything. Your father needs me and…" Kirsten begins.

"He's at the office with Dad? Is he still mad? Mom…"

"Seth. Go upstairs. I mean it." Kirsten gathers her things to head over to Sandy's office. She has to stop this before it gets out of hand. 

***** 

__

"If I built you a city,

would you let me? 

Would you tear it down?"

--Something Corporate

Sandy hangs up the phone with Kirsten as Ryan gets up and goes to the door. "Hey! Wait a second…"  
Ryan freezes. He turns around, his eyes lowered. He is shaking.

"Sit down. Come on, Ryan. I've got you in my office. Talk to me."

Ryan reluctantly sits down. 

"What's going on with you. What's going on in your head? Tell me. Tell me something," Sandy urges. 

"Look at me, you fucking piece of trash," Ryan mutters.

"What?" Sandy asks slowly, making sure he heard the words correctly.

"That's what Seth said to me. That's what's going on in my head." Ryan doesn't meet Sandy's stricken gaze. "That's what he said last night."

"Ryan, I'm sorry…" Sandy is startled by the harsh words. 

"But he's not. He meant it." Ryan looks up for a beat. "I know he did. He thinks I'm trash."

"That's not true, Ryan…"

"You made me look at you the other day. When I got in trouble for fighting at the movies. You told me to look at you when you were talking to me…" Ryan starts. "And it's like…" He pauses.

"Go on, Ryan…"

"The last thing my father said to me before he went in…was the same thing Seth said to me last night. He stood me up against the wall and he said 'look at me, boy. Look me in my face'. See, my dad would always freak if you looked his eyes, he'd freak and here he was making me look him in the face. So I looked at him. And he said I was a piece of street trash. He said I was nothing to him. Worthless. That I had brought him nothing but bad luck and it was my fault he got busted. And he punched me in the face. He didn't stop hitting me until I stopped moving." Ryan's eyes are distant. "To hear Seth say the same thing to me…I snapped, Sandy."

Sandy doesn't reply immediately, stricken. 

"I'm going to go, Sandy. The hotel, don't worry about it. I'll call you on Monday…" Ryan starts to get up.

"No. Wait. Please, Ryan. Sit down. Please. You can't run away from this. Okay? Sit down." Sandy keeps his voice calm. 

Ryan doesn't relax but he doesn't get up. His blue eyes are dark and pained. 

"You made a mistake," Sandy states. 

"I made a lot of mistakes. I thought…I believed you, Sandy…when you said I was different…when you said that I was smart and that I could fit in here…but it's not true. It's not true, Sandy," Ryan says quietly.

"Ryan, it was one fight…" Sandy starts.

"Yeah. It was one fight but he said everything that needed to be said. Whether he remembers it or not, he said it all last night. I'm done. I can't do this anymore, Sandy, I can't," Ryan says. His face is calm but he's shaking.

"You're upset. Where'd you sleep last night, Ryan?" Sandy asks slowly.

"You're not listening," Ryan replies. "I can't be your responsibility anymore. I can't."

"You are my responsibility, Ryan. I signed on for the long haul, I'm not just giving up on you just because you had a fight with my son," Sandy says. 

"I hit your son. I hit him, Sandy. I hit Seth," Ryan states, as if in disbelief. "There's nothing else to be done." 

Ryan rushes from the room before Sandy can stop him.

***** 

Seth calls Summer and Marissa from his cell phone and they are both at his door at lunchtime. Kirsten opens the door with a phone to her ear. Summer goes upstairs to find Seth but Kirsten holds Marissa's arm, keeping her in the kitchen. 

"Okay, Sandy. I'll call you back." Kirsten turns to Marissa. "Have you heard from Ryan?"

"Not since last night. Summer and I were inside when the fight happened and he said that he was leaving and that he would call me…" Marissa replies. "What's going on?"

"Ryan's upset. Seth's upset. Do you have any idea of where Ryan would go?" Kirsten asks.

"No, Kirsten, I don't…what's going on?" Marissa demands. Seth and Summer join them in the kitchen. 

"I'd like to know, too, Mom. Please," Seth says. 

"Ryan…he doesn't want to live with us anymore…" Kirsten sighs. "He went to see Sandy about finding his mother and he…he bolted."

"God…" Seth staggers as he loses all color in his skin. "What?"

"Kirsten…what are you talking about?" Marissa demands. 

"You can't be serious. Over this? Over Cohen's big mouth? Don't you think he's overreacting?" Summer asks, putting an arm around Seth.

"He's upset. He's not thinking straight. Sandy's out looking for him but if any of you hear from him, let us know. Okay?" Both girls nod. Seth is silent. "I'll be back in a few hours." Kirsten grabs her keys and leaves. 

"Seth…" Summer whispers.

"Go. Get away from me." Seth rushes upstairs leaving the girls dumbfounded. 


	5. Shelter

__

"And you're in pieces

as your world becomes a rainstorm

You've got no shelter

I'm a thousand miles away

You'll survive the day

You say you're leaving…

You say you're leaving?"

--Something Corporate

Sandy comes home a few hours later, alone. He gets Seth from his room and brings him into his office.

"Sit down. Sit down, Seth. There's something I need to show you," Sandy says. Seth sits down across from his father's desk. Sandy unlocks a drawer and pulls out a thick folder, putting it on the desk in front of Seth.

"I hoped that I'd never have to say this to you, but I'm disappointed in you," Sandy sighs. "Ryan is a part of this family whether you like it or not…"

"I know, Dad, God, don't you think I know that? I want Ryan here, I've always wanted him here, even when Mom didn't want him here!" Seth protests. His eyes are red from crying. Sandy tries not to let his son's obviously apologetic demeanor stop him from his mission.

"But I don't think you appreciate where he came from. That's his file, Seth. Take a look at it. I mean, take a good look at it," Sandy urges, opening the file and sitting down on the desk beside the file.

"I don't need to see it," Seth replies. "It's his business."

"Obviously you do need to see it. Tell me what you said to him last night," Sandy says. 

"I don't…"

"Tell me what you said to him. Ryan wouldn't tell me but he said that he knew you meant it…" Sandy begins.

"I didn't mean it…I was just mad…" Seth whispers.

"Tell me, Seth," Sandy urges.

"I said that everything was his fault. That everything had been fucked up since he got here. I told him I didn't need him defending me and that…that he wasn't my brother…" Seth whispers. 

"God, Seth…"

"I was drunk, I wasn't thinking…" Seth replies. "I dared him to hit me, Dad." Seth meets his father's gaze, guiltily. "I dared him to fucking hit me and when he wouldn't…when he started backing away…I said he didn't have the balls to hit me because it would mess up his deal with you and mom…"

"I want you to sit here and look at that file. That's what's Ryan's going back to if he won't come back. I want you to sit here and look at all the times that child services have been to his house. I want you to see the medical documents from before and after his dad went to jail. I want you to sit here and look at it, Seth…"

Seth won't look at the folder. "I don't need a guilt trip, Dad." He keeps his eyes glued to the floor.

"I'm not here for the guilt," Sandy replies quietly. "I want you to understand why the things you said to Ryan hurt him so much."

"I know, Dad."

"You don't know anything about Ryan, Seth. Not if you could say those things to him. He's a strong kid but I think you might have broke him," Sandy says. He leaves, closing the door behind him. 

Seth sighs. He picks up the folder. Seth has always been curious about Ryan's past but his parents always told him that Ryan would tell him when he was ready. Ryan would never mention his past unless Seth asked him a direct question. And Seth was nervous about the look that Ryan would get so he rarely asked direct questions about the Atwood House of Trash. As Seth flips through the pages of police and child services reports, he begins to understand why Ryan gets the look. 

The first few pages are police reports of domestic violence calls to Ryan's parents with notations about child neglect. The hospital pages are next and Seth realizes that this isn't Ryan's court file, it's Sandy's personal file on Ryan's past. Seth examines the doctors' notes about healed fractures and breaks on Ryan's x-rays. Questionable scarring. Seth shudders as he sees the pictures taken by the doctors to document cigarette burns and suspicious bruises on his body. Seth doesn't read the guidance counselor notes from Ryan's school, he flips ahead. He notices suddenly that when Ryan turns 10, there are no more medical records except for one dated a month earlier. 

A month earlier. Seth realizes that Ryan went to the hospital on the same weekend that he got into trouble at the theater. Seth hadn't known. "Goddammit."

"Seth?" Kirsten steps inside.

"The hospital. Did you take him to the hospital a month ago? Mom?" Seth demands. Kirsten blushes. 

"Where did you get that?" Kirsten asks. Sandy steps inside.

"I gave it to him," Sandy replies.

"Mom? Did he have to go to the hospital?" Seth stands up, dropping the file.

Kirsten grabs the folder before Sandy can get to her side.

"What is he talking about, Kirsten?" Sandy asks. 

"There's like, nothing medical since, like, he was ten. And then there's something from the same weekend that Ryan got into the fight at the movies…" Seth tells his father.

Sandy takes the folder from Kirsten in disbelief. "Kirsten…"

"He was okay. The doctor said he had cracked a rib and he was really…it was almost like he was embarrassed. The only way I could get him to go was to promise not to tell you," Kirsten says quietly.

"He cracked a rib for me?" Seth asks quietly. "What am I supposed to do? Just tell me what to do, Dad, just don't make me look at that anymore…" Seth starts to cry. "Just tell me what to do…"

Sandy embraces him but he's looking at his wife over Seth's shoulder. Hurt. 

"I'm sorry," Kirsten says.

"No secrets, Kirsten. And this does mean something," Sandy whispers. He leads Seth from the room as Kirsten starts to cry.

***** 

"Silence brings no peace…"

--Third Eye Blind

Marissa is sitting at home with her father. It's dark outside and no one's heard from Ryan. She came home so she wouldn't miss his call.

The phone rings and Jimmy regards the caller i.d. "Says it's from Luke's house.":

"Luke?" Marissa accepts the phone but doesn't answer it. It rings again. "I don't want to tie up the line…"

"We have call waiting. You can answer it if you want or let the machine get it," Jimmy says quietly. 

Marissa pushes the 'on' button and raises the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hey."

"Ryan?"

"Yeah."

"Are you at Luke's?" She asks. Marissa meets her father's curious gaze and nods. Jimmy pulls out his cell phone and dials Kirsten.

"Yeah. He saw me walking around and said I could crash here."

"What's going on, baby?" Marissa asks.

"Did you go by my house?"

"Yeah, Seth called me. He said you didn't come home and then Kirsten said that…she said you didn't want to live with them anymore."

"It's complicated, Marissa."

"Well, uncomplicate it for me. Have you even talked to Seth?"

"Have you?" Ryan replies.

"No, but…"

"No but nothing. We have nothing left to say to each other."

"You're not thinking straight, Ryan, you're not making sense…"

"Listen. Will you listen to me for a second?" Ryan interrupts.

"Yeah," Marissa says.

"I don't want to say goodbye to you, okay?"

"So don't."

"Marissa…I can't go back there…"

"Why? They're your family, Ryan…" Marissa starts. Jimmy is watching her, concerned.

"I won't go through this again. I won't do it. I won't hurt him, Marissa."

"Who? Seth? You didn't hurt him, Ryan, he's fine…"

"Listen. I'm going to be gone for a while but as soon as I get settled…"

"No. No, Ryan. You're at Luke's and I'm coming over right now…" 

"I'll be gone. Don't say goodbye, Marissa…"

"Ryan, please, just wait, okay? Please."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Ryan hangs up. 

****** 


	6. Hitting Bottom

"Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go!" 

--Tyler Durden _Fight Club_

Ryan hangs up the phone and turns to find Luke standing behind him.

"So you're just going to take a shower and skip town? You're really just going to walk away?" Luke asks.

"What else can I do?" Ryan whispers.

"Why do you think you're so dangerous, Chino? I used to pummel Cohen on a regular basis and he always bounced back," Luke says quietly.

"Luke. That's not helping," Ryan sighs, stretching. He walks outside and lights a cigarette. Luke follows him. They have a mutual respect for each other that makes them able to speak without worrying about the other's feelings. Fighting is communication between them and several conversations between them have ended in bruises in the past few weeks of their friendship. 

"What did Marissa say about all this?" Luke asks. 

"Same thing everyone else says. I'm not thinking straight, I'm not making sense, blah blah blah," Ryan replies. 

"Dude, you're jumpy as hell. I mean, I don't know what Cohen said to you, but I know that he was really drunk and you probably shouldn't take it personally. I mean…he's your brother. Don't you have a brother? Like a blood brother?" Luke asks.

"Yeah. He's in prison," Ryan mutters.

"Didn't you guys fight?" Luke waits a beat. "Didn't you guys say stuff to each other that you didn't mean?"

"Trey is nothing like Seth."

"Don't you love Trey anyway?"

"He's family, there's no choice in that," Ryan whispers.

"Isn't Cohen your family, too?" Luke asks. 

Ryan sighs. "Yeah."

"It's about time he stopped tiptoeing around his words and shit to you, you know?" Luke watches him carefully. "If he's really your brother, then they're just words. You guys are family and nothing's going to change that."

"I think I hate you. I should kick your ass," Ryan states seriously.

"What? Why?"

"You make too much fucking sense to be such a…fucking…I hate you. Where's your beer?" Ryan asks, throwing his hands up in defeat. 

"No beer left. Shots?" Luke picks up a half empty bottle of vodka from a cooler on the porch.

Ryan takes several generous swallows from the bottle without using a glass. "Sorry. I needed that."

"Feel free," Luke laughs, collapsing into a lounge chair. Ryan remains standing, taking desperate drags off his cigarette.

"I shouldn't have hit him."

"Depends. See, to you and me, a little punch in the eye isn't a big deal."

"We can walk it off," Ryan says quietly.

"So can Cohen. He's not made of glass. And if you're talking shit, you're asking for a punch in the eye." Luke shakes his head, amused as Ryan finishes the bottle and tosses it onto Luke's private littered beach. "Some things you shouldn't say out loud." Luke watches him silently for a long moment.

"So what is it? You feel responsible for Cohen? Like, you're his store-bought brother just here for him to play with until he gets tired of you?" Luke continues.

"What?" Ryan asks slowly.

"Something Marissa said a long time ago. Before she saw how close you guys were," Luke adds. He realizes that he's went too far when Ryan starts to walk away. 

"Hey. Can I talk to you?" 

Seth's voice startles both Ryan and Luke. Luke jumps out of his chair but Ryan freezes. 

Seth walks onto the patio with Sandy following close behind.

"Your door was open," Sandy says to Luke. Seth has started walking toward Ryan.

"Really?" Luke asks. Sandy pulls him inside. Luke spots Marissa. "I want my keys back…" He starts before blushing red as Jimmy enters. 

***** 

****** 

"…Its only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything…"

--Tyler Durden _Fight Club_

"Ryan. Ryan. Goddammit…" Seth walks up to him and takes his arm, frustrated that Ryan has not acknowledged him yet.

"Don't touch me," Ryan states, pulling away and spinning around to face him. 

"Look. I'm sorry," Seth says. "Are you listening? I'm fucking sorry, Ryan and I…I'll do whatever I have to do…"

"This isn't your fault. You were just telling me the truth. How you really felt. So I told you how that made me feel the only way I know how," Ryan says quickly. 

Seth is silent. He opens his mouth to speak but closes it again. He tries again but can't talk. He's speechless for the first time in his life. Ryan takes several steps backward but stops. 

"I…I don't know what to do, Seth…"

Seth still can't form words. His mind is working furiously but he doesn't know what to say.

Ryan turns away and starts walking away.

"Wait. Ryan, don't…don't do this to me right now…just…just stop…" Seth's voice gets steadily louder in Ryan's ears until he is shoved to the sand. Seth stands over him.

"What the fuck?" Ryan asks, rolling over.

"Just stop for a second, okay?" Seth stands over him. "We've got a serious communication problem going on, dude, and I can't talk to you if you're running away from me, alright?"

"There's nothing left to be said, man!" Ryan snaps, getting to his feet but staying still. 

"Dude, what are we fighting about? I said some pretty fucked up shit to you and you hit me, that's it! Neither one of us meant it so why is this such a huge deal?" Seth asks. 

Ryan shakes his head. "I can't…you don't understand…"

"Then explain it to me. Something. You're…you're different from me, Ryan…I don't understand, you're right, but I'll never understand if you don't explain it to me." Seth holds out his hands.

"I can't explain it to you, Seth…but what you said to me…" Ryan starts.

"Dad said that it was like what your dad said to you, Ryan…I'm sorry…I wasn't thinking, I was out of my head!" Seth protests. 

"I know…I know and that's why I shouldn't have hit you…I…I…I just have to go," Ryan says. 

"No. You don't have to go. What am I supposed to do without you?" Seth asks. "You're just going to walk away? After all we've been through, you can just walk away?"

"It's all I know how to do…everything I'm walking away from, it's not mine…it's yours." 

Seth looks at Ryan, tilting his head. "It's ours, Ryan."

"It's not my life. It will never be mine, Seth. Like you said, I'm different…"

"You're my brother, Ryan. My family. Don't I get another chance?"

"Goddammit, Seth, this isn't your fault!" Ryan reacts. He walks away a few steps before turning around in frustration and crouching with his head in his hands for a long moment, rocking on his feet.

"Ryan. Just calm the fuck down and think about this, okay?" Seth asks quietly. He approaches him cautiously. 

Ryan glances up at him and lights a cigarette. He sits down on the sand. 

"Ryan," Seth calls.

"I just need a minute," Ryan replies quietly. He's shaking.

"Ryan…" Seth begins again.

"A fucking minute, Seth. Sixty fucking seconds."

"Is this how it's going to be with us? Fucking snaps back and forth until we can't even look at each other?" Seth retorts. "I thought we were better friends than that…"

Ryan flicks his unfinished cigarette onto the beach, getting to his feet. He doesn't look at Seth as he takes off in a sprint down the beach. 

"Fuck!" Seth curses. He sits down on the beach as Sandy and Jimmy run up to him.

"Seth…"

"He's gone," Seth says. He walks away from his father's concerned voice. 

***** 

***** 

Seth refuses to talk. Summer, Marissa, Kirsten and Sandy each come to him and try to talk to him but he doesn't speak. Finally, he locks the door to his room.

"I thought they'd work it out, Kirsten," Sandy says in the kitchen. Marissa, Summer and Jimmy are sitting at the counter.

"You should have talked to him," Kirsten replies.

"Well, you should have told me when you took him to the emergency room so I guess neither one of us has the best judgment lately.

"God, Sandy, he asked me not to say anything!" Kirsten says. "He didn't want to upset Seth and he thought you'd go off on him again!"  
"Oh god…the fight at the movies, I knew he was hurt…" Marissa says. Jimmy escorts them into the other room so Kirsten and Sandy can argue in private.

No one sees Seth walk down the stairs and out of the house.

***** 

Ryan is sitting on the beach smoking. He glances up indifferently as Seth sits down beside him.

"Truce," Ryan says.

"Truce."

They sit in silence.

"You really think I'm trash?" Ryan asks.

"No. I wanted…I wanted to…shit, I don't know why I said that. I was angry. I wanted to get to you," Seth replies quietly.

"You got to me."

"Yeah, have you seen my face?" Seth smiles, trying to lighten the mood.

"I'm sorry." Ryan doesn't smile or look at Seth. He stares at the ocean.

"Me, too."

Ryan takes a long drag off his cigarette.

"You didn't tell me you cracked a rib for me, Ryan," Seth states. Ryan is silent. He smokes.

"I didn't want you to feel guilty," Ryan says finally.

"You don't have to protect me," Seth replies.

"I know. But we keep dropping this 'brother' word so it comes with the territory."

"So do arguments," Seth adds.

"What about fistfights?" Ryan asks.

"No, dude. You fucking hurt me," Seth jokes. "I'm kidding, Ryan. Ryan?"

Ryan looks at him. His hair hides his eyes. 

"You're _not_ trash and we _are_ brothers. Come home."

Ryan looks away. "I was out of my head, Seth…"

"Whatever, Ryan. It's forgotten. Let's go home." Seth stands up and holds out his hand. Ryan accepts his help up.

"So you think I'm grounded?" Ryan asks as they walk down the beach.

"Hell yes. Mom's going to smell the nicotine on you as soon as we walk in," Seth replies. 

***** 


End file.
